F/X

Today on ESPN: SportsCenter. Followed by, believe it or not, the same episode of SportsCenter again. And then? Around the Horn. SportsCenter, but this time theres a small blackboard involved. So it's different.

Extreme!!

The only word more extreme than the word "extreme"?

Xtreme.

Watching the X games

Apartment Searching

When I wanted to look at an apartment to move into, they for some reason had to give 24 hour notice to the current tenant, while knowing that he was in Asia at the time. During all this, I get about 10 minutes notice before somebody wants to look at my apartment.

Apple Jacks time.

Terrible Firefox Users

When I open the Internet, and the first page I see isn't Google, it heightens my urge to kill.

Timing? Eff Yes

An earthquake happened while Judge Judy was giving a verdict. It's as if God wanted to do a favor for YouTube.

Drinking Tea

College Humor

Ok, so they get about 10 million times the hits I get, but I'm still gonna say that CollegeHumor is mediocre at best.

Blaspheming? Eh.

TBS

Bill Engvall is so bad that it has come to the point where I mute my television when his commercial comes on. No joke.

Wikipedia

Editing the Wikipedia page for my hometown.

I added myself to the Famous Residents section as a champion of awesomeness.

Eff yes.

Disaster!

I just saw a train get hit by lightning. No joke.

Notifying proper authorities.

Dark Knight

I thought I would be seeing a movie about a black man trying to work through mid-evil prejudice and become a professional jouster. Then Batman shows up.

What's the deal?

S'Mores

Making S'mores.

How you ask, does one roast a marshmallow in an apartment with no flame in sight?

Magic.

Chex Mix

Eating Chex Mix.

In a perfect world, somebody would remove the pretzels for me.

Now they're stuck in my molars. Great.

Project Runway

Watching Project Runway

I'm curious as to how many "OMG" texts happen during the commercials of this show.

Well then

It seems as if members on my buddy list are becoming less lazy and more creative with their away messages.

Is this blog actually making a difference?

Mens Health

Mens Health said that I'm not fit if I can't run a 6 minute mile.

It heightened my urge to kick somebody in the nuts.

Waffles

Waffle Making Trick (for those without toasters) - Stick 3 instant waffles into the oven, and while they are toasting, continuously take small bites from one of them. That is the tester waffle. Once that tastes good, take the others out.

Voila!

Fan

If a fan is on me its too cold, and if its off me its too hot. Will it work if pointed at my ceiling?


(5 minutes later) - Apparently they need air behind them to circulate. Who knew?

David Blane

I want David Blane to hold his breath again, and while he is under I want to replace everything around him with a dark cave with a light at the end of it.

Why can't I think of normal things?

Heroes

The Dark Knight - Why so serious?

Hancock - Why so stupid?

Harvey Pekar

I found the works a of man who might actually be lazier than me.

Reading American Splendor.

Comic Book Store

Just bought old Mad Magazines.

Reading original satires of American Graffiti and MASH.

Not a good time to bother me.

Hatin'

Can't talk. I'm busy hatin' the haters.

But...does that make me a hater?

Hip Hop is tough work.

Snacks

Switching from Wheat Thins to Triscuits for the next few months.

Big Change.

Resistance is Futile

The moment I learn to block internet pop-ups I get bombarded with Windows Update Notifications.

I can't win.

Scrubs

Watching Scrubs.

Anybody else notice Dr. Cox touch his nose every time he speaks?

I need a new hobby.

Back Home

Back to Boston, back to my sitcom reruns and within them, beautiful sarcasm.

Relieved.

Glutton Bowl

Missing from the glutton bowl - melted butter drinking contest.

Reading professional speed eating techniques.

Email

Thought: Would Gmail be successful if it didn't rhyme with email?

This is what keeps me up at night.

Checking my email.

Food!

Note to self - 1am snacks make tummy aches.

Digesting.

Water

I drink filtered water, and then I'm told to rinse my cup out with tap water before putting it back. Anybody else see a problem here?


Working out

July 4th

USA vs Japan. The rematch.

Nathan's Hot Dog Eating Contest in Coney. Be there.

Morning Cartoons

There's no more Garfield in the LA Times, yet Rex Morgan MD, which has precisely no meaning to anybody, still prints.


I'm making a picket sign. It's gonna be a long day.

Blast from the Past

Rather than merely tell you what I am doing, I allow you to join me:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=47rV_IXgfBE

Minesweeper

I see random numbers and dots when I blink and my wrist is sore.


The gamers call it minesweeper condition. I call it the road to victory.

Environmentalism

I'm reading tips on how to be green and none mention a NASA mission to throw all the garbage into the black hole.

Way to suck, scientists.

Disco Ball

Fixing my portable disco ball.

You never know when you need to party. Always be prepared.

Internet Radio

Favorite Pandora station to date: Knights of Cydonia by Muse.

Listening to music.

I Heart Huckabees

Watching I Heart Huckabees.

Mid-movie review - The sex scene was retarded.


Leave one

Health Food

It is evident that in my absence my family has developed a small obsession with flaxseed.

Home for a week, looking for something to eat.

Comic Store

Just bought Mad Magazine issue number 200, first printed July 1978.

To keep in mint condition? Or see what they have to say about Donnie and Marie? I think we both know the answer to this one.

Planet of the Apes

Charleton Heston is shirtless on AMC.

No calls.

With Apologies to Barnes and Noble

Is it wrong to use a bookstore's WiFi to surf Amazon.com?

If so, then I guess an "oops" is in order.

A Conflict of PrimeTime

Switching between Ultimate Fighting and a documentary on women in chain gangs. It's a good night for TV.

Pancakes

Fact: Flour pancakes with granola on top are clearly different than granola pancakes.
Fact: The menu writer for Zaftigs will rue the day he tricked me.

Out to breakfast



(Thanks to Lysol commercials for the "Fact" idea)

Traditional Boston

While on a walk, I hear "POW! right in the kissah!" in a thick Boston accent.

I had to run home and write it down.

Back on a walk.

Malcolm in the Middle

So Frankie Muniz woke up next to an older woman, and a baby just got tattoos. I've said it before, but this show has gotten weird.

Watching reruns, getting a taco salad.

Authors and Titles

So since 10th grade I thought The Canterbury Tales was actually called the Chaucerbury Tales, named after the author. Amazon was not forgiving.


Reading

Laundry day

Out of the dryer my clothes were scalding hot, yet at the same time still moist. Others couldn't do this if they tried.

Pointing all of my fans toward my laundry.

Entertainment news with a comical spin

Best Week Ever < The Soup.

It just had to be said.

Watching The Soup.

Made

Not the MTV show, but rather, the movie which I have deemed as a love child of Pulp Fiction and Swingers.

Watch it. I need somebody to discuss it with.

SportsCenter

So apparently Pacman Jones doesn't like the name "Pacman". Who knew?

At the gym.

King of the Hill

I just saw Snoop Dogg on King of the Hill.

'Nuff said.

Ode to an hour

Tonight, 30 days. Tomorow, Ultimate Fighter semi-finals.

I adore you, 10pm time slot. Don't ever change.

Sparta

I continue to hope for Leonidus to suddenly Haduken Xerxes, and Xerxes to promptly block it with a fire of some sort. Anybody else see the resemblance?

Watching 300 and thinking about Street Fighter.

Sissyphus

Anybody else trying to use Blogspot and having malfunctions with the keyword labeling device?

Typing keywords, deleting them, and trying to type them again. Not fun.

Comcast!!!

My on-television guide has mixed up Cheaper by the Dozen with Cheaper by the Dozen 2. I shan't stand for this!

Writing an angry letter.

Like a George Foreman Grill

Sometimes a man just has to cut the virtual fat.

Deleting my worst blog posts.

The Hulk

"Hulk SMASH!!!"

"I WATCH!!!"

This time, I'm really at the movies.

At the Movies

Incredible Hulk? More like, the Unincredible Hulk! Or...the credible Hulk, I guess.


At the movies

Yet another epitome of Irony and Conflict

At my lunch break at work.

Eating fried chicken and mozzarella sticks while reading Mens Health.

Metal Gear Solid

Metal Gear Solid 4 is out!!!


Don't care. Reading Garfield.

Ultimate Fighting Championship

Ultimate Fighter Semi-Finals tonight, and one of the final 4 has sideburns.

Finally I have somebody to cheer for.

NBA Finals

Can anybody else see some of the Lakers working on a Yugoslavian fishing boat? I can't stop picturing Radmanovic in rubber overalls throwing a rope into water for some reason.


Watching the game

Heat

It's 88 degrees out and my fan broke. I'm too hot to think of something witty for this.


Sweating

History Channel

I'm not sure of many things in my life but I can guarantee that everything ever said about the Civil War is boring.


Waiting for the documentary on Vikings to come on. I need DVR.

Rubix Cube

Two ways to guarantee a headache:
-A hit to the head (frustrating)
-A Rubix Cube (slightly more frustrating)

One side down, 5 to go. No calls.

Mind of Mencia

Watching Mind of Mencia.


Yea yea cry about it all you want.

LG Phones

I would venture to say that while waiting literally 43 seconds for my phone to turn on, life is most certainly not good, as you promised it would be, buttholes.



Waiting to make a call

Dish time

I recently found flakes in a bowl and not recognized what or where they were from.


Dish washing time.

Mountain Man

I have officially declared not to shave until somebody refers to me as the following:

"Awesome Away, the man who looks like he could climb Everest. Without Oxygen." That last part? Absolutely necessary.


Shampooing my scruff.

Too much TV

Reading through my past away messages, I have realized that I have watched TV more than I have done anything else in the past month.


Reading Garfield. Figured it would be a good transition to ease my way into books.

Comcast

You ever press that little info button on your TV remote? I've realized that according to Comcast every single film ever made is a coming of age character study. Cinematic buzzwords which tell me nothing.


Watching TV.

Google

No funky Google logo today? Now I don't know what to believe in!


Naptime

Men's Health

I have been reading articles from menshealth.com during my lunch break at work, and have come to the conclusion that everything is going to kill me or make me obese except for flaxseed and black coffee.


Eating waffles. Suck on that, science.

Junk Mail

Throwing away junk mail addressed to somebody who lived at my apartment 2 years before me.


Apparently he lost a chance to make his credit impeccable while lowering his monthly interest fees. So I relay the message to Pradeepo Matsui, former tenant of my apartment. If you ever read this, call the 800 number as soon as possible before it's too late.

The Sitcom Backbone

Every time I watch a sitcom there always has to be an episode where an old person walks in and the "studio audience" cheers as if they are famous. I haven't recognized one yet.


Watching 2 and a Half Men.

A match made in Heaven

I just saw Charlie Sheen and Michael Jordan in a commercial together. Anybody else waiting for the sitcom?


Writing the pilot.


Not really. I'm eating Cheetos. Leave one.

Big day

Chugging Diet Cokes and Orange Juice.



Don't ask.

The Epitome of Conflict and Irony

Lifting weights and watching Mona Lisa Smile.

Sweet Show

Stop reading this and go watch Code Monkeys.


It's on Demand. Within the next 4 hours and 22 minutes, I will only get up for pizza.


I don't say this very often, but I win.

Humidity sucks

It's muggy out and I can't take my pants off.


Not a sweet situation

New Style

Typically, as per usual, away messages say what somebody is doing rather than being on AIM. To switch it up a bit, I shall mention what I am not doing:

Watching the Lohan Reality show
Solving a Rubix Cube
Instant Messaging (obviously)
Listening to Plain White Ts

Make your own away message day!

Suburb of Los Angeles style - Write down lyrics of a song, do not mention the artist, do not correct people if they think that you are the poet who wrote it, and put it in italics.


I'm onto you.

Vices

Old addictions which have risen from the dead, like the legendary phoenix:

Stupid Flash Games
Coffee


Wired, and playing a game called Cheese Dreams.

Best Deal Ever

Just bought a pair of glossy gray dance shoes, and a matching gray tie. Total cost? $22.00. Not kidding.


Looking frantically for an excuse to wear them

4 Day Weekend

Pants are off, and staying off.


It's a 4 day weekend.

Segway Cop

Today, while running, I saw a police officer on a segway. It made me think about the perfect ending to a creepy futuristic atmosphere movie, with the final sane-minded guy running and tripping while there is just a line of police officers, moving slowly toward him on their segways, with no look in their eyes...


Steven Spielberg move over.

The perfect description? Possibly

I think that I have found the perfect description of something, put into the following sentence.

Nor Cal is hella lame.


Score one for Los Angeles.

Hip lingo

Kickin' it.




I'm playing soccer. Did you really think I started talking like that?

Midnight Black

I am currently lying in bed awake wondering.

Is there a blacker name out there than Denzel Washington?

Not that I'm Arrogant...

Somebody tried to give me a tip for an away message to put on here. I told her that I'd rather watch Traveling Sisterhood Pants while listening to Star Jones describe to me how it would go if she were to have "relations" with Gilbert Godfrey.


Trying to think of a kickass away message so she thinks I have reason to act this way. And failing.

Quite Busy

Found my old system which plugs into a TV and plays Mappy, Pacman, and Galaga.


Leave one, I'll be busy for a few hours.

Brainpower

I often wonder how my brain, while being able to successfully accomplish the completion of vector calculus, doesn't have the sense to tell my body not to sneeze if I am in the middle of peeing.


Changing my pants and shirt.

Elipses Suck

The next time I am talking to somebody on AIM and I say something, and they respond merely by typing 3 periods in a row, I will somehow crawl through my computer and through the wires and out of theirs and pee on their keyboard. The symbol was not meant to be used as a response to something. How the hell does somebody not get that?


Fuming.

Comedy

Typical Bill Engvall Joke - Commentary on earrings being better for his teenage daughter than a naval ring because it makes boys look at her face rather than her torso. (Funny? No.)

Typical Frank Caliendo Joke - An impression of George Bush seeing the word "Pause" and mentioning how it is a French word for stop, pronounced "Paw U Say". (Clearly Funny.)

Yet they get to be on the same channel. Wonderful.



Watching TV

Painful but Neccessary

Sometimes you gotta take a deep breath, and accept that somebody has never sent you an instant message without you prompting them with one of your own.


Cleaning up my buddy list.

Fatty

So I eat a big meal to celebrate the end of my finals and now on my first day of work, none of my pants fit. Super.

Can I suck in my gut for another 5 hours? Only time will tell.

Bossy Rappers

Tell me to raise my hand in the air like I just don't care? When, in the history of life anywhere, has anybody signified a nonchalant attitude toward something by raising their hands and saying "Hey...Ho!" Never.


Listening to old school rap

Workout

I swore to myself that I could watch The Ultimate Fighter and not feel bad about myself.

I lost.

Going for a run.

Dinner

Within the rows of my current Excel sheets are lists of restaurants. In the columns are ranks based on the following:

Quality
Price
Service
Amount of Time (including travel time to restaurant)
What I am in the mood for

The rank of each is multiplied by the following numbers:
Mood is worth 5 points, quality is worth 4 points, price 3 points, amount of time 2 points, and service 1 point.

The scoring is golf style - lowest overall score means restaurant I go to.


You ever figure out dinner while studying for an econ final?

Chilling

Am I Chillin' like a villain?

Oh no, I am chilling like a tooth filling!

A tooth filling in the mouth of somebody who just ate ice cream. Oh yes, I am chilling that much.

Yahtzee

You ever play Yahtzee, decide to go for the gusto, and then get all of your dice to show the number 6?

Seeing all those sixes is a thing of beauty. More beautiful than Monet, Picasso, Caravaggio, and almost as beautiful as a color photo of Garfield the Cat.

Fun times.

Iron Man

Iron Man was awesome. Like all other movies, I have only one suggestion.


More William H. Macy. 'Nuff Said.



Writing a review.

Finals Week

I care about you people so much that I am going to use my study break to let you know that I am currently on a study break, which will most likely be over by the time you are done reading this sentence. You owe me.


Studying.

Metal Discrimination

So if we say that a man is made of tin, then he is just some douche bag from The Wizard of Oz. But apparently if he is made of iron, well then, watch out!

This is a typical case of metal discrimination and I for one will not stand for it.


OK I will just this once, for Robert Downey Jr.


At the movies.

Dentist

Lying down, gaping open mouthed at another man.



Dentist Appointment

Summer Vacation

The fact that it was summer vacation hadn't hit me. Then, when I realized that it was 1pm and my biggest decision was whether to watch TV or downloaded episodes of something on the Internet, and whether to get salad or hot wings, it all hit me.


TV won.

Heart Attack

You ever just wake up and just get an urge for heart attack food?


Pasta Alfredo, Pesto with Basil, Salt, and Beer. Goes down smooth.

Broadcast Journalism

According to broadcast journalists, a girl did not get high and go down on a guy. She ingested psychedelic hallucinogens and performed (or administered) oral sex.

"We have an anonymous college student here to give us a local perspective on the new fad in college, partaking in the ingestion of nutritional supplements through the use of food, or to them, 'lunch'."

Long winded way to say that I'm eating.

Musicianship

At my high school talent show just before I played my favorite classical piece on my mother's acoustic guitar:

"To all the kids who got a funny haircut, spent $3000 on a special amplifier, and know nothing except for power chords, I dedicate this to you."



Practicing my scales and finger picking. Leave one.

Dryer Battle

Time and again, this dryer had beaten me in a battle of wits. I dry my clothing, pay, and end up with moist clothing. No more will i cower to a mere machine!

Is victory worth the cost of paying for three dry cycles? Wear some wet undies and socks for a day and ask yourself the same question.


Waiting for my laundry. Give me a call.

HOT HOT HOT!

If I were in a charity bachelor auction of some sort, or a male stripper, I would call myself so hot that you could throw water on me, and then use that water to make me some instant macaroni and cheese. And feed it to me in the most sexy manner possible.

Yes I'm bored send me something fun to read.

Waiting...

Writing an away message brb

Silly Putty

Picking the dust out of my silly putty.

It's so bouncy, so fun, yet it loves to get dirty no matter what. Sort of like a child...on a trampoline...a dirty trampoline.

I lost myself in that one. Sorry.


Be back soon.

What to do

What to do while I am away:

1 - Twiddle your thumbs.

There is no 2. Go make your own fun.

Marathon

Bad kind of Marathon - Running 26 miles

My kind of marathon - Watching 26 episodes of something

TV's on, I'm near my comp

Damn the H20

So there you have it, I am too stupid to figure out the installation of a Britta Filter.


Drying my hands, changing my shirt.

Pondering

As of now, pondering how AIM is sort of like a super acronym. AIM stands for AOL Instant Messenger. Yet AOL is an acronym as well! Think about it.

Pun

I am going to Be Arby.

No you dolt, I am not turning into a sub-par manly sandwich place. Read it fast.

First Awesome Away Message

"Hey who is Sarah Marshal?"

I forget

At the movies. No cell.